wearyvoices:

Gatsby? What Gatsby?

  
So bring me the night, send out the stars
Cause when I’m dreaming we don’t seem so far
Darken the sky, and light up the moon
So that somehow you’ll be here with me soon
Bring me the night
Bring me the night
That brings me to you
You
Am I too attached to Key Club…

I was really looking forward to going hiking today, but our plans got cancelled and I—surprisingly—wasn’t even the least bit disappointed. I figured I would spend the day catching up on several weeks’ worth of piano playing since I go back to class tomorrow. Instead, I spent the first waking hours of my day continuing last night’s search for community service events. I found over 20 service projects and was pretty happy with it… too happy.

I’ve noticed that doing work for Key Club as an officer is giving me a little too much joy. It’s kind of scary to think I was more excited about finding service events than finally getting the white Converse shoes I’ve been wanting for a year. I also get extremely anxious now to receive attendance lists and emails from volunteer coordinators, and can spend hours looking for gifs and transparent pictures to add to our meeting Powerpoints. 

And it’s not like I don’t have anything better to do, because I do! I could be jogging, or biking, or going out with friends for lunch, or heading to the beach for US Open, or starting my summer assignments, or practicing piano, or anything, really. I’m not overwhelmed by work. It’s the summer, and I’ve actually been going out very often. But when I do find myself at home and alone, I tend to find a lot of joy in doing things for Key Club. And it’s making me rethink my life now because I don’t know if this is healthy. I’ve always loved Key Club, and I still have a ton of fun attending club events, but lately, I’ve been having more fun doing the nitty-gritty jobs of a vice president… the jobs you’re not supposed to enjoy so much.

I honestly love putting my time and effort into Key Club, even though I know I will be leaving it in about a year. I don’t think it will go to waste at all, but I am both confused and concerned by the amount of love I have for my job as an officer. Is this healthy?

Why?

A not-so-shocking revelation.

I used to talk to Donald every day for about a year and a half. After we stopped, I realized how horrible of a friend I was and started trying to change things around. 

I used to never make plans with people. I used to never answer text messages. Most of the time, people would have to make plans and invite me. They would have to resort to actually calling to get a response from me. But lately, I’ve been trying harder to make plans. I’ve been initiating conversations. I’ve been reaching out to people whose company I enjoy, but don’t get to have very often. And it’s been really nice.

I found that putting just a little bit of effort into friendships made a big difference, and being surrounded by people who inspire me has made me a happier person. Not that I was depressed before, but my life feels more meaningful now. 

So I try to surround myself with friends who have good hearts and inspire me to be a better person. Like those who will make sure to come over on your birthday, even though you spent weeks thinking and couldn’t come up with plans. Or those who will push aside everything else in their schedule to attend all your choir concerts. Or those who can tell, just by one look, how stressed out you are and will offer help no matter what. Or those who talk to you in Calculus and keep you from knocking out, even though you have a D in the class and are not Korean. Or those who are always willing to catch up and share deep conversations on scorching hot Wednesdays. Or those who will support you and help you when you feel like a worthless piece of crap because you can’t sing for shit. Or even those who will call you a whore but are still willing to keep you company, whether its zero period PE or a band concert.

People like these are the ones who help me make it through the years of this hell of a high school and people like these are the ones I hope to surround myself with for years to come. They are loyal, supportive, honest, and selflessI am grateful for them all.

caviarsonoro:

ERIK SATIE  - Gnossienne 1

Eugène Atget - nineteenth-century Paris